Speaker's Corner

Numerical proof that people are Idiots:

2011-08-16T20:30:00.002+01:00

I've always known there are idiots were real, sadly I did not realise they existed in such numbers. Exhibit A: 8,517 people apparently think reading is gay. Dear. Sweet. Lord! Worse still two people that I know are part of this aberrant collection of imbeciles.

But it doesn't stop there, oh no. Exhibit B: 9,811 of these mindless, vapid, farting bags of skittles agree that books are boring. I am now thinking we need some kind of Logan's Run style process when people hit 30 but regarding Intelligence. A simple test made up discussing the last few books you read, TV programmes you watched, any activities related to the arts, sciences and academics you've been involved with outside of an educational institution and so on. If you can't cut the mustard you're sterilized and left on an island somewhere. Like the man said, "It's about what you like, not what you are like."

And before you think me harsh and even evil I present the following picture, Exhibit C.

I rest my case.

Twelve Parsecs: Or, A Sunday Afternoon of Wild Procrastination.

2010-09-19T19:28:00.001+01:00

By Daffydd turner.

Recently I had Alien on in the background as I was sitting and working on a script. I love Alien; it probably is my favourite film of all time. I’ve seen it dozens upon dozens of times and I never get tired of studying the costumes, models and general production design. I was watching it this time to look at the jacket worn by Captain Dallas as my obsession with film props and costumes seem remarkably to be turning towards coats and jackets I could actually wear... Anyway, my madness aside, I was watching the start of the film and thinking that when the Nostromo is first seen it actually appears to be moving quite slowly. This could be argued away as that it’s already slowed down from hyperspace (or whatever system they use in this universe) having intercepted the signal from LV-426 rather than we see the ship’s top speed then the signal is received. When the crew get to the bridge, Lambert operates the navigational computer and declares, “I’ve found it. Just short of Zeta II Reticuli. We haven’t reached the outer rim yet.” It’s later stated that this system is halfway between where they were and Earth. Being a curious fellow with a penchant for wild procrastination I decided to look at just how far away this star system was. Assuming that Zeta II Reticuli refers to the binary star system Zeta Reticuli, it’s 39.5 light-years or 12.12 parsecs away. So where they originated was about 80 light-years from Earth. Maybe it was the Lupus (nah, it’s never Lupus), Gemini, Cygnus or Andromeda systems. Who knows? Incidentally, this is the same distance as where a large exoplanet was discovered at the start of 2010, HD156668b. Maybe that’s where they went. With a name as sexy as HD156668b, who WOULDN’T want to go there?

Looking at the 12 parsecs figure reminded me of Star Wars and that great ship, the Millennium Falcon. Ah, the Millennium Falcon. A Corellian YT-1300 Freighter that according to owner Han Solo, "She’ll make point five past lightspeed.” and “made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs”. As a kid, I loved Star Wars. As a grown up I still love it, but my dyed-in-the-wool cynicism and misanthropy make me question things. Like the ‘twelve parsecs’ statement. Sounds impressive and fancy as achild but now I can’t help but notice that parsecs is a unit of distance ratherthan time. But, as George Lucas explains in the New Hope commentary, parsecs are the measurement due to the advanced navigational computers rather than the Falcon having excellent engines, so the computer would calculate a shorter, and therefore faster,route than other ships. Well, that’s ok then.Or is it?

Consider the distance units mentioned here so far. A light-year (ly) is a unit of length, approximately 10 trillion kilometres (or 10 to the power of 16 metres, if you prefer) and is the distance it takes light to travel in a vacuum in one year. The speed of light is 299, 792, 458 m/s or rounded nicely, 300,000 km/s.

A parsec is also a unit of length, equal to 31 trillion kilometres. The word parsec comes from how it is measured, the ‘PARallax of one arcSECond’. Understanding that is a little complex and involves diagrams and such which I won’t get into as I didn’t even finish my Physics A-Level. Anyway, 1 parsec (pc) equals 3.26ly.

So, the 11.5pc (I looked it up, when he says ‘less than twelve parsecs’ he means 11.5) he does the Kessel Run in is equal to 37.51ly. Basically, Han’s great claim about the Falcon is that it can do the Run in 37.51 light years or 37.51 x 10 trillion kilometres (37.51 x 10, 000, 000, 000, 000 km). That’s still a fair distance. Bloody huge distance. It’s not exactly a trip to the Spar.

If that’s good... How shit are the rest of the ships in the Star Wars universe?

(Writer's note: I’ve tried working out the time it should take the Falcon to do this run. There’s too many variables and assumptions. Assuming by ‘lightspeed’ he literally means ‘speed of light’ (300,000 km/s) then ‘point five above ‘lightspeed’ could mean different things. As a percentage of .5 it increases the speed of light to 301,500 km/s. As an order of .5 (where 1 = 300,000 km/s) then the maximum speed of the Falcon should be 450,000 km/s. I tried to run the maths on this and I’m just not gosh-darn clever enough to do it. Also, according to online geek database Wookiepedia, the Kessel Run is a patch of space with a high density of black holes. So a shorter distance through the Run should mean the craft flies closer to the black holes and should therefore experience some sort of space/time distortion. If time slows down the faster you move then when the Falcon goes near a black hole at the high speeds Solo claims (and experiences a time dilation field as a result of the black hole) he could end up arriving before he leaves. I think. Maybe afterwards. I don’t know. He’d probably just get his other self drunk and sleep with himself. I wonder if all my knowledge of physics is taken from Sci-Fi. And I’m probably thinking too much about a film that’s full of errors and mistakes that Blue Harvest so humourously pointed out.)

INSPIRATIONAL TV, AND WHY IT NEEDS DEFENDING.

2009-10-31T18:13:00.001Z

Recently a quality piece of television was cancelled; Defying Gravity, a Sci-Drama about the crew of The Antares on a six year mission around our solar system. What was great about it for me were not the emotional developments taking place between the characters or, the mysterious hints that some kind of alien intelligence was affecting them. But the realism of the technology and science used, all of which is possible now; or at least on the fringes of possibility. The more realistic the science in science fiction, the more I’m hooked. Its how I became the Geek I am today. As a kid I would watch ‘Sea Quest DSV’ and think, “I know submarines are real – so a submarine like that must exist/be possible!” This thought was given further credibility in my eyes by Bob Ballard appearing at the end of each episode to give you facts about Ocean exploration.

But alas, the mightiest and most powerful Submarines are not used to explore the ocean, but to blow shit up.

Where as when I heard about the cancellation of Defying Gravity, I took solace in the fact that we Humans had space flight well in hand. And it could not be long before I’m reading about a real Antares mission in the works. Until I actually looked up current space projects. We’ve got nothing. There are a few plans to repeat old tricks, and the odd touristy fad in development. But they all seem so, timid. There’s not even an evil corporation looking to exploit all and any potential resources of the solar system. There’s just nothing.

But my frustration doesn’t stop at science and sci-fi. The BBC has shown two amazing Documentary series, ‘The Land Of The Jaguar’ and ‘Lost Land Of The Volcano’. Both involved a team of scientists and camera people going to parts of the world that have NEVER been explored by Humankind. The team discovered dozens of new animal, insect and plant life; furthering our knowledge of the rock we call home. So amazing are the discoveries that it serves as what many consider undeniable proof that these ever decreasing sanctuaries and their inhabitants are worth saving. And yet, more people tuned in to watch X-Factor.

We live in a world where education has been turned into a chore and only over paid footballers and emotionally fractured fame seekers are left as role models. Human history was once measured in exploration and discovery, but that doesn’t seem to be the case any more. My friend Daf told me it’s because no one looks up and imagines any more, they don’t have to if the TV is on. I disagree with the last part of that sentiment. TV when done well can inspire people to look up, underwater or, just at the world around them. Yes our combined love of watching a spectacle and consumer culture has given rise to some horrible programmes, but do we really want kids to take inspiration from what is clearly the bottom of the televisual barrel? TV can be both entertaining and thought provoking, but only if we show we want it.

I just hope we haven’t sunk so low as a species that we’ve become too lazy to make that request.

So here’s to the next Defying Gravity, in what ever form that may be, may it live longer, and inspire more.

“without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming after all is a form of planning.”

- Gloria Steinem

Cinematic End Of Days

2009-10-23T00:57:00.002+01:00

by Daffydd Turner.

It is 1.02am, Thursday the 22rd of October and I've just read 4 pieces of information to do with the film industry that have caused my brain to have a slight meltdown.

Firstly, I've found out that Disney are making a film version of 'The Diary Of Anne Frank'. This stunned me almost into unconsciousness. Why on Earth are Disney producing this? Do they need a new princess to add to the roster? Imagine if she ends up being played by Miley Cyrus (who would without a doubt keep her Texan accent). She'd be hiding in the attic, writing in the diary and inexplicably burst into song just as everything turns into Technicolor. I'm shuddering at the thought of a meeting between Disney top brass:

"She could've been a promising singer in the local choir Forced into hiding!"

"Yeah! Her diary could be full of lyrics! They're her escape from the attic!"

"Everything could be black and white until she starts singing!"

"We could end on a big musical number in Auschwitz! All those people singing and dancing!"

"The pure emotion and love in the songs could bring the prisoners and the guards together!"

I could go on like this all day.

For some reason I imagine that all Disney execs speak with an upward inflection that causes every sentence to end with an exclamation mark and dollar signs to miraculously fall out of the air.

Also, Universal have just secured the rights to make a film based on 'Barbie'(Yes, the promiscuous, vapid, 50 year old doll we all know) and David Fincher (you know, 'Fight Club' and 'Seven') is directing a film about Facebook. Starring Justin Timberlake.

If this is the barrel that is currently being scraped, I can't even begin to imagine what will be churned out in 10 or even 20 years. Probably 'Anne Frank 3' if Disney have anything to do with it...

Finally, Death's chess set as used in 'The Seventh Seal' was up for auction a few weeks ago, along with all of Ingmar Bergman's estate… Discovering that immediately after reading about the films mentioned above and remembering the significance that goes with that chess set brings a wry smile to my face as we hurtle towards a cinematic End of Days.

Daffydd Turner was once a respected physiacist, until an unspecified lab accident created Konnie Huq. He was then rightly shunned into the underground world of Visual Effects, where he has thrived as a Messiah to Geeks and basement dwellers alike. It is said he will one day rule the world, but only after he and Konnie Huq have done battle under a solar eclipse. Until then he waits.

First Year Down

2009-07-10T20:18:00.001+01:00

by Dillon Clare

Well, the first year of University is now over. Yes I’m happy as the shear amount of work and constant pressure of holding together a sinking ship was getting too much. Yet now it’s all over I’m overcome with a strange sense of not belonging. Suddenly my phone now makes no noises, and I have oodles of time to drink my coffee in the morning. It’s a mixture of boredom and withdraw symptoms. I guess this is what heroine addicts feel like when their days are suddenly void of burglar.

After a couple of days of doing nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, I was overcome with the strongest sense that my life was now pointless. Extreme I know, but there was nothing I could apply myself to in order to give my day any meaning. So I thought I’d look for film or tv jobs. Hmmm. Not exactly overcome with the burning desire to work on a student film in Lancashire for no money I decided instead to have a go at writing a short screenplay. This would surely get my creative juices flowing. Two pots of coffee later and a blinking cursor on the screen I had achieved nothing besides giving my left leg the shakes, I felt I needed to go for a walk. Perhaps I had just been sitting down too long without any creative influence. After a short walk I returned with hayfever and the inability to sit infront of my computer without coating it in a fine spray of fluids from my head.

“Oh Screw this!” I thought. I’ll go watch some TV, which lasted about three minutes as day time TV is filled with the likes of Jeremy Kyle, Trisha Goddard and the swill of British society. It was then I had a sudden urge to get out my keyboard and have a go at playing a few tunes. After surprising myself with just how much I remembered I logged on to the garageband software on my computer and went through the piano lessons with the Apple endorsed Tim. Who went over the basics with me and within two days I was improvising the blues and feeling that Jamie Cullum might have something to worry about soon. After my sudden success I decided to download a few songs from ‘artisits’ section in which they teach me their songs for a minimal fee, and before I knew it, here I was playing ‘Brick’ by Ben Folds one minute then ‘Thinking about you’ by Norah Jones. “That’s it!’ I thought. “Fuck film for now and become a muscian.” So I am

Dillon"Cookie Monster" Clare is a student at Westminster university; enjoys coffee, wine and sugary biscuit products. He resides in the UK and has an imaginary wife called Sharon.